Brick by Brick, Layer upon Layer

Just over 45 minutes had passed since he sat down and began narrating the story of his life that “just happened” over the past 20 years.  He unloaded layer after layer of his frustrations, disappointments, and fears.  He’s told the story before to one of his closest friends.  But even back then while telling his friend, he held back the tears and pieces of the story that revealed his deepest wounds.  This was different though.  Across from him was a complete stranger.   A therapist.  He never imagined telling anyone else and especially not a therapist.  It startled him at one point after looking at the clock realizing his time was almost up.

The Stories Others Tell Us

The characters in his early years and throughout his time being forged as a man taught him to be strong.  Be a man.  Lead the way.  Lead the team. Lead your family.  Some told him, “Stop crying, you’re too old for that.”  “Toughen up”. Others appeased him and said, “It’s going to be fine.  It’ll work itself out”.  But what did that mean?  Some never told him anything.  He watched the big people around him and figured out his own way.  He learned to be quiet about his pain.  He learned that life will create its own path and he didn’t have to face the deeper issues behind the pain.  He learned to believe that in revealing his inability to figure out a better way would translate as weakness.  He learned to be strong, build his castle, put a wall around it and rule over the kingdom he made…or that life gave him.  But, can I say, even an ancient and wise king made it known that “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.”

The Catalysts

So how do some men decide it’s time to look over the wall?  What leads some to seek relief from the perspective of a therapist?  For some It may be the threat of losing something special such as their spouse.  For many it’s been a depression that has had it’s way too long in their lives.  Another may want to face the anxiety that creeps up on him every time he has to make a weighty decision.  Some men experience an earth-shifting moment and realize their life has been only a veneer layer over a false self.  Or maybe for some it was the curiosity sparked from overhearing another man mention his visit to a therapist.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

For the man in this story, it is the pain he could no longer carry alone.  Well into his retirement years he recognized an insurmountable challenge with no feasible answer.  He had been financially successful all his life.  He had managed to have a loving family and grandchildren who adored him.  However, there was one piece of his life that had overtaken the rest.  His joy, peace, and hope had been stuffed down so far, he began to have transient thoughts of never waking up.  After one session that had taken him deeper inside his story, with faint tears welling in the corner of his eyes, he stood to leave.  His eyes and his demeanor brightened.  He had experienced a small taste of what some call a “breakthrough”.  He wondered if the missing element was something he learned as a little boy.  It was not the direct, harsh lessons to hide his pain.   It was not the unintended education he received from those who lived what they learned about being a man.  He knew he could not change the piece of his life that overtook him.  However, he recognized the greater thing was becoming strong for himself and those he loved by removing the wall.

A View From the Top

What has life taught you?  What stories in your life shape you and your decisions?  Are those the stories you want to define you? Is it the lesson you want to teach those who look up to you?  If your fears, anxiety, depression, anger or anything negative holds you back, maybe it’s time to peek over the wall of your own story.  Look inside you.  If you would rather see something different, a therapist can help you to use that wall to create a new narrative.

Tony Langstaff is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist living in Valdosta, Georgia.  If you’re interested in working with him, he can be reached through his website: www.ElevateCounselingSolutions.com or directly at 229-234-8569.